The Four Loko Experiment

The Four Loko Experiment

Up until about a week ago I had never heard of “Four Loko”. Then I started hearing news reports about how they were banning or trying to ban it in numerous states. I asked around and most of my friends didn’t know what it was either. The ones that did responded with “Oh hell no! Don’t drink that stuff”. In short it is an alcoholic energy drink that comes in a variety of fruity flavors. It derives it’s alcohol (12%) from malt liquor and has the equivalent caffeine of about a 6-pack of coke. The can is fairly large and alcohol-wise ends up being about 4 beers. Hearing about how they are trying to ban it and how it has been responsible for alcohol poisonings across the country I did what any scientist would do, I ran to the liquor store and bought one. I got the cranberry lemonade because they were out of a bunch of flavors, I guess I wasn’t the only one with this brilliant idea. I waited until the weekend to drink it because I didn’t want to be hung over for work and I had to wait until it wasn’t my night to wake up with the baby because drinking on those nights makes my job torturous. It was with great trepidation that I cracked that bad boy open on Sunday afternoon and took the first sip. This stuff is AWFUL! I mean really terrible. I can’t imagine anyone trying to choke down more than one of these things. It’s like a Mike’s hard lemonade or a Smirnoff ice with really cheap vodka poured in. It’s sticky and sweet and thick and just tastes of hot booze. It burns the whole way down and my stomach starts rejecting it the moment it gets there. Not a good sign. .And when you finish it makes you smell like cheap alcohol, or so my wife informed me. Now, based on the hype of this stuff I expect to be wasted by half way through the can, this was not the case. In fact I finished the can off (with a lot of effort) and yes I started to feel buzzed but not about to blackout crazy drunk.

I will admit though the caffeine really does counteract the sedative effects of the alcohol for a few hours and then you crash hard. Which makes for a different kind of drunk you are drunk but not drowsy at all. If you didn’t know better, or if you are stupid, you could get yourself in trouble drinking this stuff. But that’s the thing they are trying to ban this stuff, but I could just as easily have been drinking Red Bull and vodkas (which I haven’t in years) and gotten the same result. The type of person that gets alcohol poisoning from Four Loko is the same type of person that gets poisoned from doing 21 shots in an hour on their 21st birthday. Stupid. And stupid people are going to find stupid ways to hurt themselves no matter how many laws you pass. The issue here is young people, unfamiliar with the effects of alcohol binge drinking. It’s not this one product that’s being used as a scapegoat by over-reacting lawmakers trying to score political points by “saving the children”. While you’re at it why not try to ban keg-stands and beer pong. I’ve been there, I’ve drank to the point of puking or blacking out, hell at a wedding with an open bar and an ice luge I still have issues drinking in moderation (FREE BOOZE WOO!) but now that I’m older and know what the alcohol is going to do to me I am able to handle the situation better. They say they are targeting this product specifically because it is marketed to young people. I don’t know where all this “marketing” is but I’ve never seen it, the only marketing I’ve come into contact with is the news media and the politicians telling me not to drink Four Loko and we all know if you tell people not to do something they are gonna go out and do it.